No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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