I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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