I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
