Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
