this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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