You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
