Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
