he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
