So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
