I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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