i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
