If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
