He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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