someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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