cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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