I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
