Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
