How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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