I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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