Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
