Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
