she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
