somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
