I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
