i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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