I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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