my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
