I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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