"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
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only if we run a train.
done.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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