Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
