and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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