I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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