cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
