Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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