If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
