I wish I could teleport
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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