I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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