I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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