Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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