Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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