how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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