i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
