Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
