dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
wanna go halves on a baby?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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