On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
