Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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