I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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