dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
