Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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