You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
