you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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