If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
