Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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