My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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