FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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