I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
