i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
