So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
