OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
