I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
