Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
