just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You are a genius and a whore.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
