So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
