Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
