this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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